Introduction for Moms

Introduction for Moms Comedian Ralphie May has said that “there is nothing that women hate more than seeing a man doing nothing”. My own experience confirms that this is true for my wife, so it is probably a fairly widespread phenomenon. I wrote this book for men to read, but I created it with the idea of pitching it to women. Why, you ask? Because men and women are wired differently. Men digest information differently than women. Because I am not an expert in cognitive psychology, I won’t try and explain the differences. I can, however, speak from experience and tell you that most men like information that is easily digestible, quick to the point, and proximate to the time of need. We want information when we need it, as much as we need, and nothing more. If you want an example, think of your last marital conversation. Odds are, your husband didn’t want to go into the same amount of detail that you did, and you felt as though he was glossing over important aspects of your needs or feelings. The truth is that he wasn’t disinterested. He just wanted to know what you wanted him to do differently. Just knowing that it is important to you that the tape goes in front of the stapler in the stationary drawer is enough. By telling him directly that it matters to you, you have given the situation a degree of importance. In doing so, you have made him care. By explaining all of the bad things that can happen when you spend extra time looking for the tape, you have obscured the point. Its not that he doesn’t care about those bad things. The point is that he cares about you, and the rest is window dressing. You probably know what motivates your husband. First, there are the big things like a roof over your head, food on the table, his family, and health. Beyond that, men like to have a little money to spend on themselves, some time with friends, and a healthy sex life. You may also feel as though those three things occupy too much of his attention relative to other concerns. While this may seem true, it usually isn’t. The fact is that the bigger issues in life such as financial viability, health, and the needs of the house and family will always find him. He doesn’t need to go looking for broken faucets, credit card bills, or crying babies. They find him. On the contrary, if he doesn’t attempt to see his friends or try and get some “quality time” with you, those things probably won’t happen. In short, your husband cares about you, your home, and your baby – a lot. He cares about other things too, just as you do. He gets the big things. He wouldn’t forget to feed your baby. He tends to fumble on the little things. He does so for two key reasons. First, there is no easily accessible list of “little things”. You may remind him that he has put the baby’s clothes in the wrong drawer, but if you remind him in the car on the way to church, it doesn’t stick. He needs to gather and process this information at a time that makes it memorable – either at the moment he is doing something, or when there is no mental clutter like looking for a parking spot. Second, he needs to hear about these specific things as specific things. He doesn’t need a soliloquy on closet organization. He needs to hear that the baby’s closet is organized in a specific way – regardless of why that is. The idea of this book is to give him a list of “little things” that he can do to make the house, and your life, more manageable. He needs to hear or read them in quick chunks, practice them a few times and then begin to do them without thinking about them. By offering a number of ideas, and presenting them as he can best process them, I am hoping to make him more effective in helping you. He cares about you a lot more than he does about me, but I speak his language. I think like he does. My wife has told me the same things that you tell him. Over time I learned to be a more effective partner, both because I love my wife and kids and because until I did so, my chance to pursue my own interests and her affection was not going to come about. I invite you to review the various entries in this blog. Rather than overtly call his attention to them, lead him to those that matter most to you. Tell him that you found this blog. Tell him that you have sent him a link at a time that is convenient or relevant. Point out a post that speaks to things that you would love to see him improve on, and see what happens. By making the information accessible and quickly read, he can develop a few habits that make your life easier. Make sure to show him that you appreciate it when he magically fills the diaper station without being asked. He will do the rest.